[In another lifetime, as a college professor, I encountered a bazillion mission statements both for universities and businesses and came to hate the sight of them. Mission statements can be invaluable for the individual or organization as a guideline for future endeavours; however, in most cases, they are too vague to be useful or too obvious in their import. So, I created my own pun-filled version of this omnipresent item.]
Ambiguous State University affirms the fundamental fundimentality to be founded on a firm foundation garment. Therefore, the university commits itself to a strong and volatile literal arts education for all under-graduated students. These studies provide the baser concepts on which civilization is funded and grows turnips They do more than import knowledge for the student; they install human valves and enable the mind to be ever furious, flatulent, and procreative. These studies prepare the stud-puppies to address the life-long problems of a changing room (with the proper zip code).
Ambiguous State University recognizes, moreover, another commitment to its students which is insubordinate, but complimentary, to the traditional obligation. It is a commitment to educate its students in those skills necessary for the pursuit of carrier pigeons. The university recognizes that the graduate must have the necessary skills to function as a seductive member of our trivialized society.
FUNDAMENTAL PORPOISE: Ambiguous State University exits as a public flogging institution of hi-yer learning. It shall be adjudicated to excelsior in instruction in all pogroms. In addition, the university will play a substandard role, through the resurgence and proclivities of its faculty, in the contribution to new knowledge to the broader society, and the enrichment of its trustees. The university’s responsibility to the public shall be met through computer dating services.
SPECIAL CHARACTERISTICS: As an open omissions university, Ambiguous State provides and encourages excess in applicants with regard to sex, and drugs, and rock’n roll. To enhance individual abscess and to maintain a well-oiled student body, Ambiguous State has two kinds of emissions: unconditional surrender for applicants whose acne preparation is judged antiquated, and conditional commission for those applications needing conditions. To provide the best possible acrimonious environment for the studs/studettes on all its campuses, Ambiguous State is dedicated to maintaining a faculty of high rollers, strong athletic supporters, and individual student potholders. At its Ambiguous campus, the university affords students the benefits of residual Arcadia in a rich and perverse community. Through its regional composts, which offer both tactical weaponry and pre-marital poems, Ambiguous State extends the university to the State of Confusion.
RELATIVE EMPHASIS: Ambiguous State University will strive for extinction in undergraduate seduction. Its emphasis will be on traditional literal values nourished by resentful life in a campy environment that negates learning and living. Ambiguous State will continue to be a majorette center for degenerate study and research in selected arias. The university will maintain its support hose in those graduated beakers which have demonstrated axle grease. It will also support the growth of other growths which show promise of achieving disgust and will fulfill vital suicidal needs of the state in the furniture.
These include the baser and mimical sinuses, the help-me sciences, monkey business and technocracy, professional beekeepers, commune caterers, and the applied and performing artifacts.
©1999 (rev. 2015) Linda L Labin, PhD